Shame

This week I posted something raw on instagram.

I was in the midst of a deep, dark day, feeling as though I’d never see the light again. At times like these, I can’t remember the feeling of happiness. I ask myself if I’ve ever actually felt joy. It’s forgotten.

In the days that followed a sense of vulnerability and shame washed over me.

Thoughts popping into my mind like…

Why did you post that? What must people think? Damn Sarah, you’re trying to inspire people, not make them feel yuck.

And when my beautiful tribe started reaching out with love (thank you, thank you, thank you), I worried people would think I’m an ‘attention seeker’.

Then one of my best girlfriends, Sheryl Thai, sent me this. It resonated with me at a soul level, and in that moment I realized my post was my truth, and isn’t truth what it’s all about? Isn’t truth love?

And so what is my truth?

I’m not one thing, I’m many things. And I feel all the things.

Who I am is constantly in motion, and that’s ok.

At this time on my journey I’m moving through a lot emotionally, and some days I’m caught in the whitewash, totally out of control, barely able to struggle to the surface, gasping for breath.

Following one of these days, the ocean calms and I’m perhaps being pulled with the tide, however I’m at least treading water, able to breathe.

Mostly then, I’ll wake up a day later and the water is still. I’m peaceful, floating, arms outstretched and breathing freely. I walk from the water and feel the sun glistening on my skin. I see possibility on the horizon.

What else am I?

Tired. Tired of the cycle.

Exhausted. From trying to show up the way I perceive I ‘should’ show up.

Confused. Thinking I’d resolved this pattern years ago, but curious too about the new layers I’m peeling back revealing deeper levels of truth it turns out I’ve still been hiding. From myself, and from those in my world.

Hopeful. I know in my heart and soul that truth is freedom, and freedom is my highest value.

Relieved. I am who I am. No more, no less. Perfectly imperfectly, as are you.

And so it is I’ve shared my truth with you that is my pain, and perhaps there’s actually some inspiration in that particular truth. Perhaps there’s not. What there most certainly is, is freedom, hope and possibility.

Sarah Riegelhuth