Sabotage

I self-sabotage.

Always have. I do things I know won’t make me feel good afterwards.

In the six months following my breakdown in particular, I spiraled into some nasty patterns of self-destruction...

  • Drinking to excess (I’m very familiar now with the difference between having a fun night, and the feeling of charging booze to escape).

  • Indulging in other substances only to deplete my serotonin levels to the point I can’t function the following day.

  • Smoking cigarettes, a fairly recent addition to my personal self-sabotage arena, and one I struggle with significantly being asthmatic and having a parent suffering emphysema from a lifetime of smoking. I clearly know better.

  • Men, pushing boundaries with flirting and physical interactions in ways to gain the false sensation of love and affection I don’t have for myself.

  • Emotionally spiraling, crying and losing my mind in moments, rather than breathing, taking space, meditating.

And then there’s the more subtle things that don’t happen as often, but they come up. Not working out, eating poorly, negative self-talk, the list goes on.

I’m getting curious with myself because I’m tired of it.

Not only does it hurt me, the ripple effects of course impact others in my life.

I’m not on a mission to be perfect, and I’m no longer beating myself up for what has been. I do want to be better though. I’ve hopped off the hamster wheel and I’m doing the work to stay off it.

I know some of the answers.

Truth.

Self-love.

Self-worth.

Self-respect.

Boundaries.

Love.

Yet the question remains, how do we get there? Like everything else, it’s practice I know. However my mind is digging to understand myself and this behavior better.

A friend recently shared with me, she stopped sabotaging when the cost became too high (in her case, giving birth to her daughter). I loved and appreciated that insight.

And I’d love and appreciate your insights, if you’re so inclined to share.

Helen Keller said ‘alone we can do so little, together we can do so much’. I’ll share my learnings in a follow up post to say thank you, and offer up growth to each and every one of us on this journey.

Much love and thanks to you, my tribe. I see you.

Side note: My answer, my seeking and searching, is not to quit any of the things I mentioned above. Even nicotine. I know that’s not what serves my higher self. All of these things, alcohol, drugs, flirting, sex, all of it, are things I love and enjoy, and in the right frame of mind bring me enormous pleasure. My mission however is to enjoy them in that way, in a way that only lifts me higher.

Sarah Riegelhuth